Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word ( Pt 3 )
Posted on 24 Mar 2012
" A picture paints a thousand words...." Oh the sweet refrain from a group simply known as "Bread" - nevermind, only those of a certain vintage know what I mean. ( no relation whatsoever to a more recent "Simply Bread" ). Three months into a photography course, at the end of term one, I see the light at last. It is not easy for a right-brained person to go into the technicalities of DSLR, Photoshop, Analogue, Adobe, and the rest of the bits and bytes but I have plodded into term two, nevertheless.
The incidental learning outside of the classroom, was a lot more productive. I embraced my new toy of a camera and got clicking. In the attempt to get a hold of Photoshop touching up, I reopened the archives of old photo albums. There were pictures of G and I, looking genuinely geeky in the fashion of some twenty-odd years ago, THE wedding,and there were pictures of D and A, from babyhood, to childhood, and to the present. And there were those of loved ones who have passed on. At some point, I feel a lump in my throat and something moist at the corner of my eye.
The day did not begin well. D overslept( again ) and I was the alarm clock, a task I had declared repeatedly that I would like to relinquish. After all, we had an understanding, and D was supposed to have exercised the discipline expected of him. " My handphone ran out of battery and the alarm failed to go off" was the curt reply. Somehow, that was enough to set off something of a matryr complex in me. I raved and ranted, dug up the past, lamented about the future, forced the poor boy to stay awake during the trip to school, ( which became excruciatingly long ) and threatened him to get out of the car if he didn't...I was out of control. If I had succeeded in making D feel guilty and lousy, I felt ten times worse. Why did I react this way? I know the answer - I miss the son I used to have, before he entered secondary school and became someone I couldn't recognise anymore.
Next stop was lunch with a close girlfriend. We exchanged notes about things happening in our lives, and then it came to the children. " I think D is angry with you..." she said, with some concern. "...with YOU...the words hit home with the force of a sledgehammer. So it is time to take stock of a declining situation, and snap out of denial mode. " But he is a happy boy, just a tad bit lost in his own world..." ; "...angry with you.." the words jangled in my head and mangled the heart.
Third stop was a meeting with K at her clinic in Gleneagles. After six months of an idea taking seed, we finally got to sit down and start working on a joint project.In the same afternoon, I touched base with N and her mum; Mr and Mrs S, for a brief introduction to their very personal journeys,which they have agreed to share, to encourage still more others along similar journeys.Thank you for allowing me access into a deeply private area. You showed me a new perspective on living, loving and empowering.
Fourth stop was a stopover at D's school to pick him up. It has come full circle. I initiated a monologue
( what's new? ) and started by telling him about my day. I told D about my meeting with an exceptional 18 year old young lady, and a forty-something couple. I rambled on and came to the part where I acknowledged that things have not been too smooth between us for some time, and I told him to make the most of every day, and to appreciate the ones we love and who love us, while we can. I also mentioned that I was saddened by the recent news of a beloved uncle who is battling pain in his present condition, and am arranging for an appointment with K . Finally I blurted out that " I am sorry" to D, for the times I have hurt him, with the words I've said to him. How I wish I could take them back. He sat in the car-seat next to mine, without saying a word, but I could see his eyes getting a little red.
At the end of a very long day, I sat down with G, always the cool headed, logical, rational creature. We talked about D and A, how they are growing into teenage-hood , and what is needed to strike the right chord in the right balance. Before the night is over, D and I actually managed to exchange more than a few grunts and did I detect a shift in the atmospheric temperature? Only time will tell, but it is getting warmer already and I look forward to the boy I once knew and getting to know all over again.
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