Embracing Empathy

Embracing Empathy

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

I will not say to another " I feel your pain", or " I understand how you feel..." again - because the truth is, I do not feel, nor can I understand.

In all of my 50 ( exactly ) years, I have not been under a knife, stayed over at a hospital, nor have ever truly grasped the notion of what pain, sickness or infirmity is. My GP and family doctor would have long gone bust if he'd relied on our visits for his posterity. I cannot remember when was the last time we saw him. 

Whenever flu or other symptoms threaten, it was promptly taken care of with a good dose of honey, water, rest in bed with a kiss and prayers. My mum was shocked when she could not find the usual over-the-counter self administered medication in our fridge one day whilst feeling a little under the weather and need a dose of paracetamol. I directed her to a bottle of honey instead. Lest I be accused of going to extremes, I DO exercise due diligence and seek expert advice when the situation calls for it.

On the personal front, I thrive on a diet of whole grains, fruits, seeds, carbo, and the occasional hawker fare. Meat, seafood and other rich offerings add a garnishing touch to the meals. I love desserts. To overcome my aversion to health supplements, I choose the pain and aftermath of a good workout on the mat, in an air-conditioned environment with other fellow sufferers, to bask in the endorphins released after one hour of stretching, curling and lungeing. 

Such a routine has served me well since my twenties... until a few months ago.

Feeling and Understanding

July was the crazy, hectic month of our big move to an interim place. It was the culmination of almost 15 years of inertia, while the clutter piled up. I was out-numbered in this game by 4 others. It was a losing battle. So the shock of coming face to face with stuffs hidden and resurfacing after years of hibernation hit home ...

After the move, I continued to cull, clear, de-clutter for about a month and gave up after that. 

Then one day, I felt this acute pain shooting up on the right side of the hip joint. It was numbing, debilitating, and gave me a limp. Trouble was, the pain and its effect on my gait could vary from a scale of 1- 9; and came on sporadically - so I chose to ignore it and life went on as usual.

It was a good reprieve in August when a girlfriend arranged for a trip for 2 to Penang. I welcome the break after a very exhausting and demanding period the month before. 

It was a good trip for me, but ironically, a bad one for the girlfriend. The pain chose to make its comeback. 

The girlfriend was the sort who made all the arrangements and did all the research on where to go, what to eat, and I tagged along happily with a big mental blank. When the body is tired, it is hard for the brain to function normally - that was my excuse for zero contribution to the trip. 

Unfortunately, the hotel we stayed in was a good distance from the main thoroughfare and it required a lot of walking to and fro. Taxis were scarce and relatively expensive. My then non-functioning brain refused to register directions. 

In the end, I was lousy company to the girlfriend, who had to put up with a super-slow walker and low energy companion. Out of pride, I forced myself to walk normally, and put the pain out of my head. I only told her about the "condition" when the trip was over, but by this time, the out-look for our traveling days together was not so sunny.

Pity, really, because I did enjoy the sights and food in Penang while ambling along. And I began to understand...

It was a pretty surreal experience, much like an out-of-body one, looking at myself as someone with an infirmity ( a nasty and inconvenient one! ). How often have I been impatient and sharp with people who are slower, less able, less ambient, even.

Funnily, after this trip, the pain disappeared and I thought nothing of it.

More Feeling and Understanding

Two weeks ago, I went on a 2-week long, much anticipated trip to a beautiful land with 3 other close girlfriends.

It was an almost perfect 10 - the people, the food, the landscape, the tour guide and itinerary, the works... except the pain and limp chose to return, this time with a vengeance.

The first week went past fine, then the pain crept in, insidiously at first, then more pulsating, until I was hobbling at the end of the second week. It came and went, but never quite left me. 

Pride prevailed and I resolved to enjoy myself no matter what. But, the truth is, as I caught a glimpse of it earlier - when the body is physically down, the mind and emotions are affected too. It did not help that the rich palate offerings of the land did more to shock my rather austere system than to enhance it.

Again, I had the same surreal feeling of looking at myself from the outside, almost from a different realm; this time with an even deeper insight and revelation.  I feel and understand even more now than ever before...

I wanted to go home, hug my husband and kids, and mend fences with someone very close to me.

Goodness and Favour

Even before I could recover from travel fatigue, I was off on another trip two days later, this time with my two cousins, Angela and June - something we'd planned very early in the year. I managed to squeeze in a session of acupuncture and TCM over the weekend to alleviate the "condition" which seemed to have been exacerbated and the hobble is becoming a more unbecoming trait.

What goodness and blessing and favour awaited me on this trip ! 

We had the benefit of a guide and driver, who worked for the family of Angela's student. He brought us to places with local flavor, showed us the family farming grounds, treated us to his brother's gelato delights, and much more! He was a friend, and we enjoyed his company. On days when he had to attend to the family's business and could not be with us, we enjoyed our resort's free shuttle bus and ferry services. We had 90 minutes of Thai massage everyday and indulged ourselves silly! 

It was a lovely period of bonding with two people who meant a lot to me, the sisters I did not have. Time seemed to stand still, and they did not seem to mind that I walked slowly and clumsily.

Now I Can See

I am reminded of Jacob who wrestled with God, had a hip socket misalignment, and changed his name to Israel after he received a blessing and a revelation.

I am humbled and awed by the ways of the Holy Spirit who has dealt with me so gently and graciously.

It is not pleasant to be treated like you are invisible, or ignored, or to be the object of another's impatience or irritation. I did not understand or feel before and I have been guilty so many times of this attitude. 

I now know the true meaning of empathy, of being in the shoes of someone lesser, of loving and accepting, of growing up and moving on, towards better relationships and embracing differences.