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Lessons My Children Taught Me (2) Posted on 17 Sep 2011

Lessons My Children Taught Me (2) Posted on 17 Sep 2011


"No, you cannot have one more";  "That's enough." ; "I said,let's go NOW"; "No, that is too expensive/fatty/skimpy/childish/messy/time-consuming/dangerous/sweet/salty/gassy...and so on and on..."No ifs and buts, just do your work"..."No...No...No!"

No, if what you want does not fit into MY schedule.  No, if what you think is not what I would like you to have. No, if what you feel does not agree with what I want you to do. No, if what you do offends MY sense of taste or sentiment. Just do your work..."No...No...No!"

When I was a little girl  growing up, I would pop the perennial question " Why not? " to my parents'  No-s. They were not too impressed and I did not get answers to my question. The more they imposed their will over mine, the more indifferent I got. 

There was also an inverse relationship between control and bonding. The more control, the more hostility, and in an ironic sort of way, authority is diminished, and the parent-child bond becomes negative. The years passed, I became an adult, and a parent, and forgot that I was once a child.

I became the parent I did not want to be, echoing the "No...No....No-s" I so resisted a long time ago. 

Naturally, it did not sit well with my teens who have strong views of their own, expressed in words, body language, or in cold, stony silence. 

One day, the light bulb came on along with an outburst from A  " Why can't you say yes!" Why not, indeed! Borrowing a punchline from the 80s - as long as it's not immoral, illegal or fattening.

I try a new tack - "Yes, but..." when I mean to say "No". It does have a nice ring to it. Lo and behold, the thermostat at home is adjusting to a comfortable range, give or take a few degrees. "Lighten up, Mom" A would say. " But, Mommy...protests D. 

There is a transformation that takes place when I say "Yes" in place of "No. When "Yes" becomes the default mode, it registers when I say "No". Reluctantly, but not resentfully, they complied.

It is still unchartered territory - giving up control, and putting trust in place. It is daring to give D and A room to fail, and being close enough to pick them up when they fall. 

It is so much easier to say "No" so that they do not fall at all, and play safe all the way. It's what I would want, because it simplifies my job as a parent. But it is not what they would want. They have their dreams, their wings and the world to explore.

I will say "yes" and whistle a lot more in the dark, with faith as my guide.
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