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Reflections on Father's Day ( First posted on FB on 20 Jun 2022 )

 Reflections on Father's Day

Hi Daddy, you must be having a great time in heaven, together with Mum.

Although we never had a close father-daughter relationship, I choose to remember those moments which were special to me - like the outings to Esplanade Park, Satay Club with Mum when I was little, accompanying me to take the school bus on my first day of school, how your face lit up when you attended my university graduation.

Growing up, I have often envied other people's daddies and wished you were more like them. I wished I could talk to you when I had my first crush on a boy, felt ugly because my face was full of pimples during my teenage years, looked into the mirror and hated what I saw...So I decided that since I wasn't pretty, I could be clever instead, and lost myself in an alternative world of adventure, imagination and books by Enid Blyton, Alfred Hitchcock, Agatha Christie, Perry Mason, anything and everything I could get my hands on...

At home, you were either sleeping or shouting. I was ok with you shouting at me but not at Mum. Every time that happened, she kept quiet and I said something that made you keep quiet after shouting one more time. Guess that's how I learnt early to have the last word. You also gave me a nickname - " Bloody Swine" which I actually thought quite funny. So that was how I developed a sense of humor as well. Over the years, I learnt to be independent, do stuff on my own, relied on my own counsel and intuition, earned extra pocket money giving tuition and doing part-time work, just so that I can stay out as long as I can. I am grateful that you have given me the opportunity and freedom to do just that.
I only found out much later from Mum that you had a bad fall climbing a rambutan tree when you were young, and hurt your back. You lived with chronic pain, and also diabetes, which could also have led to your bad temper and low energy.

I remember how proud you were of your first grandson, Darren. How you would dote over him, buy him treats, take him for bus-rides. How happy you were, and how you went about telling everyone that he is " God's Miracle Child".

Last week, when I was in Siem Reap, I told Anna Tsang that since I was young, I have lived with the conviction that I have a heavenly Daddy who is always loving and looking out for me and that I am his very special daughter. My life is a journal that testifies to this.

So Daddy, you did what you did in the way you did, but ultimately you loved us in the way you knew how, and that's ok too.
I love you.

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